What my father taught me

I have never fit in. Never been one of the crowd. That isn't to say that I didn't have friends, I did. I am the child of divorce, compound that with a very visual disability and you get a girl who felt very badly about herself. If there was one thing that I wanted more than anything, it was to truly feel loved and liked by my father. As an adult I began re building a relationship with him. I had been baptized into his church. I had my own reason for doing this, it was not because of him. I moved to Utah high and giddy with the promise of family outings and dinners. Long story short, it did not turn out that way. It seems that becoming Mormon does not grant you "Mormon speak". I still talked and thought as me. I didn't say or do things right, and I'll be dammed if my body couldn't carry a child. So in short I was still me, but I loved my church. That wasn't quite good enough. To make matters worse, my little brother and sister liked me. This upset their mother, my step mom, who I think grew tired of hearing about me. So one day in 2009, two years after moving to Utah and almost a year since I had even seen him, my dad came over. I will not recount what he said, although it is true, it would serve nobody to repeat it. Suffice it to say that it had something to do with my appearance and why my father didn't invite me to his house. This sent me into a tailspin, I had just been told that I was not acceptable the way I was.
For two years I struggled with this, now I have figured out the lesson.
Anyone can put on a mask, but under it they are still them. I was a good Mormon, but I was still me. I couldn't talk like anyone except me.
No matter what you do, if someone does not respect you they will never respect you. If someone does not like you, they will never like you. This is true even if you consider that we are always changing. I am not the same person that I was seven years ago, but because my father didn't respect me or like me then, he does not know the me that I am now.
Knowing that, I am able to look at the me I am. I am able to say "My Dad loves me, but he doesn't like me". I am okay with that because there are many people who do like me.
Perhaps one day the aggregates of me will line up in a way that is pleasing to him, but if not that is okay too.