Leaving the ninety and nine.

During the afternoon session of General Conference yesterday there was a talk given about the parable of the lost sheep. I have always loved this parable, it was my understanding that it showed how much each person is valued by God. The speaker took a different route when explaining this parable. He read a poem, done in that sing song rhyme. The poem said that the lost sheep had to be found so that they would not lead children astray. So according to both the speaker and the author of this talk, God cares about children not the lost sheep. This talk could change how I look at my ward's reactivation efforts. I could ask, do they care about me, or the children I may influence? I will not grow bitter, or negative over this talk. I just wanted to speak about it. That is not the meaning of this parable. Christ himself explains this story, he says that the one lost sheep is important to God. God will leave those who are safely in the church in order to find the one who is lost and alone. The point of this parable is to show us what true compassion is. That is the desire to end the suffering of all the many beings.
Lastly, I do not believe that I am a negative influence on the children in my life. I am working toward true compassion, what could be wrong with that. The teachings of Buddha can sit side by side with those of Christ.

"losing my way"

As I did my homework yesterday, I listened to the Saturday session of General Conference. The talks this session were in a much better spirit than those given in October. I did find some statements that were highly over generalized. When talking about those who are no longer active, the thought of church leaders is that those of us who become inactive are very unhappy. The other assumption that is made is that there is only one path to spiritual happiness. I have found that reading about the Buddha has made me very happy, indeed I feel more sure about my role in this world than I ever did as a Latter Day Saint. Finally they assume that people leave because they have been offended by someone in church. This is not always true either, some of us leave the church because of what is lacking in the teaching. For me it was many things that all added up to me knowing that this was not the "true" church. I have been offended many times during my time as a Saint, I never stopped going. I stayed because of what the church seemed to stand for. I had concerns, but was confident in knowing what the church stood for. I never closed my eyes however, and when I saw what was really going on I could not stay. So it is not true that we leave because of petty offenses or that we are horribly unhappy.

What my father taught me

I have never fit in. Never been one of the crowd. That isn't to say that I didn't have friends, I did. I am the child of divorce, compound that with a very visual disability and you get a girl who felt very badly about herself. If there was one thing that I wanted more than anything, it was to truly feel loved and liked by my father. As an adult I began re building a relationship with him. I had been baptized into his church. I had my own reason for doing this, it was not because of him. I moved to Utah high and giddy with the promise of family outings and dinners. Long story short, it did not turn out that way. It seems that becoming Mormon does not grant you "Mormon speak". I still talked and thought as me. I didn't say or do things right, and I'll be dammed if my body couldn't carry a child. So in short I was still me, but I loved my church. That wasn't quite good enough. To make matters worse, my little brother and sister liked me. This upset their mother, my step mom, who I think grew tired of hearing about me. So one day in 2009, two years after moving to Utah and almost a year since I had even seen him, my dad came over. I will not recount what he said, although it is true, it would serve nobody to repeat it. Suffice it to say that it had something to do with my appearance and why my father didn't invite me to his house. This sent me into a tailspin, I had just been told that I was not acceptable the way I was.
For two years I struggled with this, now I have figured out the lesson.
Anyone can put on a mask, but under it they are still them. I was a good Mormon, but I was still me. I couldn't talk like anyone except me.
No matter what you do, if someone does not respect you they will never respect you. If someone does not like you, they will never like you. This is true even if you consider that we are always changing. I am not the same person that I was seven years ago, but because my father didn't respect me or like me then, he does not know the me that I am now.
Knowing that, I am able to look at the me I am. I am able to say "My Dad loves me, but he doesn't like me". I am okay with that because there are many people who do like me.
Perhaps one day the aggregates of me will line up in a way that is pleasing to him, but if not that is okay too.

Security question

I really hate those stupid misshaped words that you have to type to prove that your a person. It should be illegal for sights to do this, especially when the little accessible icon isn't working and you type the same damn thing over and over. I think it's very lame that I who have already proven I exist by creating this blog, can't change my domain name any time I want to without that added complication.

The vagina monologues

To be quite honest, I was very surprised and impressed that USU would allow a production of the vagina monologues. I was also surprised at the reaction/lack of reaction, I received on my facebook page.
I was impressed with the script and the acting of those who read, I was also impressed with the audience who seemed to really grasp what it was all about.
I wanted to write a blog post as a way of exploring both what I felt and why it is so important for women to see it.
OUR BODIES
One of the strongest impressions I had after the show was that women are never told about the function of the vagina. In the maturation class we all learn about menstruation, but that is it. Nobody tells young girls about the feelings they will begin to experience at puberty, nor are they told about the physical reactions the vagina goes through. They just talk about our periods as if that is the only thing that happens, as if women do not have sexual desires awakened in them. They also do not teach women about the clitoris. This is the one part of the body whose sole function is pleasure, that's pretty amazing yet women are never taught about it.
Boys on the other hand are taught about puberty and sexual arousal in their maturation class. They are taught to feel comfortable with their bodies, and are told what will happen to them and that it is okay. Girls are left feeling that their vagina's are gross or should be hidden away. This could all be rectified if they were told about the natural lubrication that is produced by their bodies.
It is fully expected that a man enjoy sex, but nobody seems to care if a woman goes years never enjoying it.
Also boys and men are reassured about their penises all the time, they are told that they come in all shapes and sizes. Girls and women are not taught this at all, nobody talks about what a vagina looks like and that they too come in all shapes and sizes. Also nobody gives men a hard time about pubic hair (unless they are in porn) but women are made to feel that it is gross and somehow wrong for them to have it.
We have been so long conditioned not to talk about the vagina that we become uncomfortable when it is mentioned even as adults. Can any woman remember their mother telling them about anything other then menstruation?
A lot of people (myself included) are moved by the descriptions of rape and birth. That is very understandable, but I was particularly moved by "The flood" and also by the descriptions of the different moans. This was moving to me because it is so rare to hear a woman talk about liking sex and what sex is like for them.
This show is so important, I hope that one day my nieces see it so that they will not be ashamed of their bodies and will feel empowered to live life to the fullest. I hope that all women will be able to stand beside their own vagina and be proud.